Irresistible Bliss

It’s strange really, to see that I actually accomplished what I set out to do. And to feel like maybe it was a huge mistake.I moved across the country 12 years ago. When I did this, it put a lot of distance between myself and everyone I had ever met. I didn’t move to alienate people, I moved for my husband. But over time I looked at it as a very good thing to be able to bury my old self. My name changed with marriage, and I hardly talked to anyone I grew up with over the years, except for my best friend. The occasional people I did hear from, I would eventually stop talking to when I went into one of my don’t talk to anyone at all phases. Most people don’t really like it when you just stop talking to them for months and years at a time, so those friendships would stop.

I’ve become a very private person over the years, despite my online presence. I just finally got bullied into signing up for facebook. I’ve had a twitter for years but my full name doesn’t show on my account. Because I didn’t want to be found. To put it simply, there are people from my past that I would never want to find me. And that’s the biggest reason for putting so much distance between my life now and my old one.

Recently when my father died, I found out just how successful I became at making myself invisible to everyone I had ever met. I flew home for the funeral, knowing that my best friend would come and no one else would. But with a tiny hope that maybe I was wrong and other people were still around and would still care. I have no idea who those people would be, but I wondered if anyone out there even remembered me and would come. My best friend was there. And one old childhood friend that came because she hangs out with my brother now. And it was good to see her, and it was nice, her sitting with us at the memorial. But make no mistake, she didn’t come for me. No one else came for me. There was a huge flood of people there for my mom and for my brother. And only one person there that still knows who I am and cares about me.

What that really says is that my life is here now. That my people are here. I would never expect any of them to fly across the country for a funeral to be there for me. I couldn’t even afford to bring my family who should have been there. But it points out that I did exactly what I set out to do years ago… to completely disappear. None of the people I grew up with remember me. And I think in some ways, I regret that.

So what do you do about something like that? I don’t know that there’s a whole lot of changing it now. But I also have no idea what it’s going to be like someday when my mother passes away, and I have to stand there knowing that I’m all alone.

This post is not intended to make anyone feel bad. It’s just my thoughts and I’m taking responsibility for the fact that classic me is to push everyone away. The few that keep coming back no matter how often and how hard I push are true friends and I’m grateful for them. Everyone else is just responding with natural behavior in response to me. My point is simple. It’s a little hard to swallow that I’ve made almost every person I have known over the years no longer care that I exist. I’m going to take care with the friends I have now (both old and new) to see that it doesn’t happen again. Because as much as I try to deny it, I need people.